This Affliction

I used to be a performance oriented, workaholic, perfectionist. Work was a driving compulsion with me, and I could keep going from dawn to dusk, just getting 'warmed up' when everybody else was getting worn out.

I could, and did, work guys twice my size "under the table." And they were usually just helping me...they never volenteered to do so again...If I hadn't gotten this affliction, I would still be going strong....of my own strength ! Oblivious to what the Lord would really have liked me to be doing. And much of what I was doing was "good works" for others.....right off you know what 'tree'.

Fortunately, the Lord actually spoke to me about some of that by saying: "You are hindering what I want to do in others lives." THAT did stop me ! What also was implied was that I could still help others if I had permission from the Lord, by the Holy Spirit. Rather, I was to seek the Lord for permission to do this or that.

I was shot down by this disease. I got the WebTV so I could do my own research on the web about the disease. I also kept updated on the progress of treatment others were going through. It was very depressing because at least 4 out of 5 of those being treated were dying in the hospitals or clinics while receiving the treatment.....And most were 20 to 30 years younger than I with dependant families... My heart just grieved every time I learned of another person dying from the treatment of this disease.

When I was informed that I had it, I seemed to have perfect peace about it and refused to follow the treatment regimen the doctors prescribed.

Many friends encouraged me to take different products and go to different places, ie. faith healers, homeopathic doctors etc. etc. I felt NO witness in my heart that I was to do any of that. AND, I was convicted that I wasn't to tell others that were going through treatment that they shouldn't do so and to do what I was doing. The only encouragement that I could give them was, not to let anyone intimidate them into doing what they felt in their heart they shouldn't do. But to wait upon the Lord for a conviction to do whatever you should do.

Sadly, most of us function our of FEAR (of death) and the love of life....even though our life may be empty and void of any concept of God or His desires for our lives. Thus we submit ourselves to experimental treatments that can bankrupt us and our heirs instead of seeking counsel from the Lord.

Through all of this, I have grown to understand and appreciate better the concept of GRACE and MERCY that the Lord has for mankind....if we are willing to acknowledge and accept it.

The question that has kept going through my mind is WHY ?..... NOT, WHY did I have to get this disease, but WHY should my life be spared the pain and suffering so many others have had due to their having the same disease.

The subliminal awareness that I have in that regard is that I am being given a 2nd chance...or rather a bit more time to learn something....and hopefully, being permitted to share that 'something' with others.

What is that 'something'.??? I think it has to do with self determination, coming to an awareness that we are not our own and should not try to direct and control our own lives and the lives of others.

The Lord has blessed me with a greater understanding of His ETERNAL PURPOSE and the fact that the whole of mankind has been and IS continuing to function off of the 'tree of the knowledge of good and evil." That there is NO WORTH in that and humanity will only get worse and worse because of it.

There is only one true source of life and that can only come from the TREE OF LIFE, or rather the Lord Himself. There is nothing we can DO that will bring us into the relationship He desires to have with Man. No amount of study, religious activity, worship of idols, traditions, good works etc. etc... In fact, most of what we see and have participated in called 'church' has been a gross denial of and rejection of GRACE ! A very works oriented religion, NOT a relationship.

So, these days, I find myself trying to encourage others to reject the works based activities they have been involved in and to 'appropriate' the COVENANT. That is to begin to be still and listen to that 'still small voice' WITHIN that comes from what the Lord planted in them when they were 'converted' or 'born again'.

I explain that it is a message they probably have never heard from the organized 'church' because it would put that system out of business. One of the most difficult things many have is the aloneness they enter into when they begin to listen to that still small voice and start to learn to 'walk by the 'spirit'. I just point them to the record of every great man of God that He used to bring His message to the world. Every one of them was put in a condition separate from the rest of mankind.....to be taught by the Lord Himself and not my any other source.

I believe that the only way we will be able to confront or survive the days ahead will be by the GRACE of God and His Spirit living and active within us, to be able to stand alone if need be and resist the deceptions of Satan that will appear as if from God.... Only those who know the TRUTH will be able to discern the false, no matter how much it looks like the truth.

I know that it is difficult for you to know what to say in regard to my affliction, that's ok. It is a blessing to me that you have been able to even share that. But, I want to ease your mind and encourage you to rejoice with me that the Lord has seen fit (His Grace) to allow me to survive this long, and that by so doing I have been able to come to a clearer understanding of what He has been and is continuing to do in the world.... the history of mankind has been pointing to a conclusion and it would appear that we are seeing the fulfillment of that 'conclusion' being accelerated just in the recent months.

I feel that the Lord has given me the privilege of seeing that much more of the PLAN and how it is going to be carried out. Nothing really specific, but a general picture that 'it is not within man to direct his own steps' and that there will be a lot of confused thinking and actions done by man that will only confound the issues even further.

The kingdom of Satan is divided against its self and we know what the outcome of that will be. True, there will be a multitude destroyed in the process, but we who put our trust and lives in the Lord will have no fear of those who can destroy the body....we are already in the Lord and nothing can separate us from that position !

REJOICE, that our names are written in the LAMBS book of LIFE.!!!

Your brother,

Gail